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Joke of the Day

"Me: Excited for the dance? 13yo: No, because you and mom will be there. Me: But I've been workin on my twerkin! 13yo: I need new parents."

"Two guys playing poker. One guy not doing anything. Why? He was cardboard."

"What is Putin's favorite Justin Timberlake song? Crimea River..."

"""hey is that a banana in your pock--"" *his pants open* *a banana steps out* *it walks towards you* *it hugs you* ""u have freed me. thank u"

"A cannibal ate an optimist once He couldn't quite keep him down."

"People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences. It's like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi."

"Where does the 3D shape go when it murders someone? Prism"

"Drink like a fish and you'll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you'll never feel like one..."

"How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb... It's quite an obscure number you probably would not have heard of it."

"""Homie don't fleek doe,"" I say to a group of teenagers, hoping it means something."