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Joke of the Day

"""Don't tell me how to raise my cat!,"" I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who's chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat's mouth"

"""Two roads diverged in a wood, and I? I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming."""

"Did you hear about the hispanic that's been stealing all the trains? I heard he has some loco motives. (Locomotives)"

"""woofwoof, woof"" -my neighbor's dog telling me his views on politics lol you gotta look at both sides tho fam"

"[god inventing animals] okay here's a new one. It's an umbrella ""okay"" made out of jello ""alright"" and it electrocutes things ""you're drunk"""

"If Olive oil is made from olives - baby oil made from what? *is"

"What did the gay Zombie crave? BRIANS."

"What do you call a nomadic neanderthal? A meanderthal."

"Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It's called science. Maybe you'd know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me"

"[day after trying sushi for the first time] ME: *putting frozen chicken nuggets on table* WIFE: this isn't cooke- ME: it's sushi, susan"