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Joke of the Day
"How many photos of Kanye West do you suppose Kanye West has on his phone? More than 1,000?"
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"Russian Cosmonauts have been banned from telling jokes on the Interational Space Station... ... because they always involve Mir puns."
"I hate it when auto-correct changes my ""omg"" to ""OMG"" like, chill out, I'm not that surprised."
"I'm sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That's your new name now, there's nothing we can do about it."
"MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone* JUDGE: he's got a point"
"How do you spell Canda? C,eh,N,eh,D,eh"
"Wish I had the confidence of a small child having a meltdown at the shopping mall."
"YOU SHOULD BE CALLED JEHOVAH'S FITNESS! I yell as I lose my breath chasing them down the street."
"Scariest thing ever The scariest thing in the world is waking up with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. I was so scared I almost swerved off the road!"
"I won 300 million dollars in the lottery and decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. They sent me a letter saying ""thank you for your 25 cent donation""."