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Joke of the Day

"The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds."

"When I see a door with the sign 'Door Alarmed' I always tell the door ""don't worry, it's only me"" ~ It's all about the empathy."

"Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids."

"so a comedian is sent out in war he ends up doing puns of damage to the enemy"

"A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, ""Give me your wallet or you're science!"" The man says, ""Don't you mean history?"" The mugger yells, ""Don't try to change the subject!"""

"Plane Related Joke I flew TransAtlantic last month. I couldn't believe it when I saw my old mate Jack on the same flight. I shouted out ""Hi Jack!"" And six Yanks shat themselves."

"Shout out... ...to the people who don't know what the opposite of in is."

"""She's got legs. She knows how to use them."" ""So she's ambulatory then?"" ""... I guess?"" ""And is that really all you're looking for?"""

"VIAGRA: It won't make you James Bond... But it will make you Roger Moore."

"[being chased round my house by a murderer] ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS MURDERER: What? ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on"