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Joke of the Day

"What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Mittens. Just joking, im not sure what he got, hasn't opened his gift yet"

"My grandma was visiting and placed her pills in my cupboard... I asked her, Grandma have you seen the pills I have marked with the letters LSD? She said, No, have you seen that dragon in the kitchen?"

"If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening. After 2 weeks the fat fucker will be 84 miles away"

"What's fat, sweaty, and bad at cooking? My ex wife!"

"Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don't want to look like a dork."

"SCIENCE: If you have another person posing with you in your twitter avatar, 100% of the time you're the uglier one."

"A Russian man makes a remarkable discovery ""What poor people there are in America,"" a man tells his comrade, ""Their cars don't have hoods, their phones don't have buttons, and their wine is old!"""

"Well, seeing as Jesus only had 12 followers, I'd say I'm doing pretty well for myself."

"Adolf Hitler has been judged very harshly by history however.. he did kill Hitler. NB: stolen from Jimmy Carr"

"How do you tell your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits in your wife's clothes"