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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend recently said that she needs some time and distance... Is she trying to calculate velocity?"

"""Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?"" ...uhhhh, for driving in space?"

"How do you address a Black Farmer? Through his owner."

"[desert island diary - day 1] 4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait. 5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free"

"[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first"

"RIP Fidel Castro You will be Commu-missed."

"Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you're so quiet it's hard to tell if you're turned on"

"I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn't even know I was competing."

"What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing"

"How do you start a stampede in Ethiopia? Carve a turkey"