168904

Joke of the Day

"So they say 71 percent of tweets go unread. But I bet you all are reading this one. Cause this one's got Velociraptors. And they're awesome."

"5: Can you cut off the skin? Me: What? 5: *holds up sandwich* the skin M: The crust? 5: yeah M: No, and you sound like a serial killer."

"Never feel worthless! Your organs are worth thousands."

"Did you here about the woman who got attacked by a gang of mimes? They performed unspeakable acts on her."

"girl you're like the water in flint, michigan you quench my thirst but i know you'll slowly kill me"

"My voicemail greeting: Hey, it's me. Please hang up and text me."

"Humans are bad at being basketballs."

"Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it. Concrete floors are really hard to crack. Then he said ""you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"""

"I don't need to watch the debates, I read a bumper sticker the other day that totally convinced me"

"My girlfriend said a small penis was okay. But I still wish she didn't have one."