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Joke of the Day

"So they say 71 percent of tweets go unread. But I bet you all are reading this one. Cause this one's got Velociraptors. And they're awesome."

"""What are you doing, dad?"" ""Filing taxes... LOLJK... I'm googling ""non-extraditable countries"". Pack your bags, kid! We're going to Libya!"""

"What do you call a pile of cats? A meowntain."

"I thought I saw an octopus but it was just 8 eels kissing a butternut squash."

"So I ordered a pizza I ordered a funghi pizza yesterday but I was pretty disappointed.. They obviously have mushroom for improvement"

"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to truly want to change."

"Why are there no black CIA agents? Because you'd never be able to convince him to help the massive drug smuggling conspiracy that's shipping cocaine into his family's neighborhood."

"I just lost 150 pounds of useless, life draining fat I got a divorce."

"Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my shit together & yet still insult me for being full of it?"

"What is the difference between a Jew and a pizza? The pizza doesn't scream in the oven Sorry"