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Joke of the Day

"My voicemail greeting: Hey, it's me. Please hang up and text me."

"What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks!"

"I asked my mate what he was going to get his mum for Mothers' day. ""Nothing!"" he said. ""Why do they get a whole day to themselves, why can't we have a Son Day?"" We do mate, it comes after Saturday."

"Hmmm, why don't we try reincarnation. Here, take this razor blade and I'll leave you alone for a few moments... -me as a therapist"

"How to catch a polar bear: 1) Cut a hole in the ice. 2) Carefully place peas in a circle around the hole. 3) Hide and wait. 4) When the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole."

"Walking by the lingerie section Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway. Me: Uh huh."

"Why couldn't the man leave Moscow? He was Snowden."

"Pinniped humor So a baby seal walks into a club..."

"Me: my fitbit broke Sales Guy: how Me: i put it on my dog's tail and asked him who's a good boy Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see"

"Someone at Sony Studios was arrested for having a bomb in his backpack. He was released after it was determined that it was the script for Ghostbusters"