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Joke of the Day

"I realized the reason why i don't have any patience. Because I am not a doctor."

"When my swear jar gets full I'm gonna use the money to buy a motherfucking puppy!"

"Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty."

"They used to be called Jumpolines until your mom bounced on one back in '72."

"Did you hear about the suicide bombing camp? I heard it was a blast."

"When brands use cool words like ""bae"" on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products."

"So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?"

"Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date."

"Mistakes married women make: 1. Assuming he heard you. 2. Assuming he understood you. 3. Assuming he'll remember. 4. Marrying a man."

"Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space? To find Pluto."