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Joke of the Day

"I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter."

"9: How old was I when I was 3? me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*"

"I got to test the new self driving prototype, the Ford Dixie But it crashed and I can't get the police to help. They hang up every time after I tell them ""My Dixie wrecked"""

"(Animal spelling bee) Owl: Your word is Mississippi Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss Badger: *in audience* OH FFS THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER"

"What do you get when you cross peanuts and almonds? Deez Nutz"

"[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex] Her: faster! faster! Me: oh god no"

"Some say English is tough... Some say English is tough, it can be understood through thorough thought though."

"Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting? ""hey I'm taking a shit but come on in and join me"""

"My girlfriend just broke up with me. I deserved it... I asked her to so I could do this joke."

"I like my women how I like my coffee Sealed in an airtight bag in the freezer"