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Joke of the Day

"9: How old was I when I was 3? me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*"

"What do you call a kid with no friends!? A Sandy Hook survivor!!"

"Went on a date with a non-partisan woman I gave it to her right down the middle."

"ME: Why are you leaving? WIFE: I have hated every stupid pun of yours since we left Manhasset 20 years ago ME: Manhasset been that long?"

"I have just been kidnapped by a fat dude in a red suit, shoved in a bag and taken to the north pole and wrapped up. Who put me on their Christmas list?"

"$1,000 worth of products were stolen from a Games Workshop today Police are looking for a book and three pots of paint."

"Prince's death may have been murder. In these types of cases it's usually the butler or maid. Did anybody dust for Prince?"

"A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe? John Cougar Melon Camp"

"People keep accusing me of collecting periodicals... They never specify which magazine my issues are from, they just tell me that I have them."

"How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?"