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Joke of the Day

"What did Jesse say to Woody when they were having a threesome with Buzz Lightyear? You've got a friend in me"

"The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined."

"What did the Siamese twins from Iowa tell their date? It's February 1st. You going to caucas or not?"

"Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge. I AM POWER. I AM RESILIENCE. I AM A BRA STRAP."

"What did one lawyer say to another lawyer? We are both lawyers."

"Girls wanting giant ass teddy bears, & VS bags, and bouquets of underwear for valentines day. Just give me some pizza & I'll love u forever."

"How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic? You take the pizza delivery sign off"

"Apologies to Rudyard Kipling but . . . If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs. . . . maybe you don't understand the gravity of the situation."

"What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day... Anal sex makes your hole weak!"

"You treat your body like a temple? That's nice. I treat mine like a whorehouse above a liquor store next to a motherfucking Taco Bell."