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Joke of the Day

"""You fancy my best friend, don't you?"" asked my wife. ""If given the choice..."" I replied, ""I'd rather have sex with you then her."" ""You mean 'than'."" ""No."""

"There's a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart."

"My old man got admitted to a psychiatric hospital today. He had set up a traffic detour through his house. I should have seen it coming, all the signs were there."

"Teacher: ""Who built the first American car?"" Student: ""Me Pilgrims."" Teacher: ""The Pilgrims?"" Student: ""Yeah they made the Mayflower Compact."""

"Cheating is such an ugly way to put it. I like to think of it as outsourcing my sex life."

"What did the father say before he killed his child with a vacuum cleaner? Dyson"

"Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul...to keep... If I shall die before I wake-- Yah, I really don't like where this is going."

"What do you get when you mix olive oil, lemon juice, rosemary, thyme, salt, pepper and marijuana? Cheech Marinade!"

"Why did the man invest in the kilovolt battery? He thought it had a lot of potential."

"A man walked into a bar. ""Ouch"""