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Joke of the Day

"When somebody I blocked gets RT'd into my timeline it's like they're violating their restraining order."

"We trace hands to make turkeys. Quite a handy technique."

"Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who's not Employee of the Month."

"Our Uber driver is literally participating in our conversation as if he's a full-fledged part of it. It's odd."

"[inventing trees] Angel: what purpose do they serve? God: cats climb em Angel: can they climb back down? God [inventing the fire dept]: nope"

"Really? EVERYBODY was kung fu fighting?"

"I can't spell armugedon... But it's not the end of the world."

"Did you hear about the dyslexic science teacher? He was teaching the Law of Conversation."

"Stevie Wonder was in a horrendous car accident the other week. His life flashed before his ears."

"How many animals can you fit into a pair of panty hose? 2 calves, an ass, 1 beaver, a shit load of hares, a camel toe, and a fish nobody can find."