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Joke of the Day

"why is there cotton in pill bottles? to remind black people that they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers!"

"WIFE: I think he's in a midlife crisis ""Why, did he buy a new car?"" WIFE: not yet [I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]"

"I just Facebook Unfriended someone on their birthday. #TrueGrit"

"Me to waitress: Do you validate? Waitress: Parking, you mean? Me: No. Like, can I read you some tweets and you tell me if you like them?"

"If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it's because I can't remember if it's my turn to say words or yours."

"Sharks don't like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention."

"OMG you guys. I just got asked out. By a real live guy. I don't know what to do!? Play dead? Duck and roll? I'm so confused!!"

"I just dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!"

"How many Southern Baptists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Change?!"

"I'm unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip."