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Joke of the Day

"What s the weight of a hipster? One Insta-gramm"

"What has seven arms and can't spell? Def Leppard"

"""Gosh it's raining cats and dogs"" said Fred looking out of the kitchen window. ""I know"" said his mother. ""I've just stepped in a poodle!"""

"My girlfriend went to get her test results from the doctor today and it was bad news. He confirmed I'm about to become a husband."

"Narrator: ""Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution"" [cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]"

"H: I don't understand what goes on in your head. Me: If you prefer, I can quit twitter and just tell you all of this. H: No, we're good."

"How to get a girl to like you: 1. Become a lion tamer 2. Release a lion on her 3. Tame it right before it kills her 4. Take her to Chili's?"

"If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say ""It's on the house."""

"Obamacare? Yeah, more like ""Turn your head and Kafka."" Am I right?"

"Whats the difference between blowing an Asian and a Caucasian. The only Asian thing that will touch the throat is the sperm."