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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between a bindle of cocaine and a baby?? Eric Clapton wouldn't let one fall out the window"

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"I got probed by an alien last night Its true what they say, Mexicans do work good with their hands"
"Battleship is a completely unrealistic movie... Everyone knows that Rihanna doesn't fight back."
"Russia announces it will be celebrating Thanksgiving this year And yes, they will be roasting Turkey."
"Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted"
"Why did the feminist cross the road? To kick a sleeping homeless man in the head and steal his money"
"[gameshow] me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] ""17"" host: [looks at me weird] ""that's wrong"" other contestant: ""salmon?"" host: ""correct"""
"Him: I know your secret Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah? H: You killed someone M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep"
"Don't have phone sex... ...you might get hearing aids."
"What do you give a Greek man with a scratchcard? A coin to scratch it with."