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Joke of the Day

"honey you gotta push that baby out faster, there's only like three seconds left on this vine"

"Study indicates Percussion as cause of Hard Drive failure. Whacked Drives Shatter..."

"Give me a massage ""Mm okay"" *rubs oil all over her* *things get hot* *things get too hot* *she bursts into flames* ""Dang I used petroleum"""

"Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't."

"Bus stop A man with three eyes, no arms and one leg is waiting at a bus stop. A bus pulls up. The driver opens the door and says, ""Eye eye eye, you look armless enough, hop on!"""

"I spent the entire day hanging out at the swimming pool Until someone told me and I eventually tucked it back in."

"M: What do you want for dinner? H: I don't care, you decide M: Sushi? H: No, but whatever. M: Mexican? H: Nah, but your call. He's dead now"

"I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying."

"Rob a bank with a Nokia How would you rob a bank with a nokia? Walk in hold up a nokia, Robber: Get the fuck down i gotta nokia Lady: Holy shit hes got a nokia AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Something like that"

"My dad gave me the best advice ever. ""Before you marry a woman, meet her mother and you'll know what your wife will be like in 30 years time"" I learned she won't be giving me head or anal."