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Joke of the Day

"How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?"

"They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes: You will vacuum the living room. You will run into the coffee table."

"You're not a REAL American until you're at least 30 lbs overweight."

"I passed my dentistry exam... Written paper A+, Oral B."

"Why don't robots have any brothers? They all have transisters."

"Can you tease, please and never squeeze Argentina? Yes, but you Gotze try a little tenderness."

"""Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?"" (Dalai Lama job interview)"

"Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me:I'm cute? Cop: Nope Me: you like my car? Cop: Nope Me: I could do this all day."

"My brother pointed to his coffee table and said ""those are my new gloves"" He's always making off-hand remarks like that"

"So what if I don't have a perfect body?! I'm way better off than I was when I started. Ya know, a baby that used to shit his pants. I do that way less now."