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Joke of the Day

"White smoke from under my hood means either my starter went out or my car has elected a new Pope."

"No, YOU didn't tighten the cap on my urine sample"

"Good morning people.....I woke up feeling myself this morning....wait that doesn't sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant"

"When Chuck Norris is pulled over, cops show him their IDs"

"Did you guys hear about the Trump winery? It's only whites."

"The person who invented marriage was creepy as hell like hey yo I love you so much I'm gonna get the government involved so you can't leave"

"CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement? Me: *pauses* (with Cheeto stained lips) *kisses paper* CW: Me: That's my signature."

"I'm guessing the person who decided how to spell ""queue"" and ""okay"" got paid by the letter."

"There's nothing funny about leaked celebrity nudes Which is good because it's hard to masturbate while laughing."

"I broke up with my girlfriend, who is an Optometrist She meant well, but she was just too annoying in bed. She was always saying, ""So, do you like it better like this.... or like this?"""