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Joke of the Day

"I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife."

"Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said ""I love you."" He didn't even die. Killing people with kindness is hard."

"I don't go back to my hometown very often because I've burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson."

"A person is drowning and yelling ""HELP I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM"" A bystander tells him to shut up because he doesn't know how to swim either but he's not freaking out about it like the guy drowning."

"The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work."

"Men think of arguments as single isolated events. Women, in my experience, think of them as installments in some sort of perpetual continuum"

"How is a thief like a thermometer on a hot day? They are both up to something."

"I'm the opposite of a bee keeper. I lose bees all the time. I left a hive on the train today. Just accidentally threw a bee at a nun."

"My kids got in a fist fight while playing one of those claw machines at the pizza joint & shit like that is why I'm never sober."

"They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes: You will vacuum the living room. You will run into the coffee table."