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Joke of the Day

"You find love when you're not looking for it, and you can't find it when you really want to. It's sh!t like this that makes me drink."

"Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, ""If I'm alive by then,"" and hang up."

"BOSS: why are you so late? ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha BOSS: well i was and i got here on time"

"Why didn't Rick Grimes settle his group in an abandoned senior center? Too many walkers."

"When you grow up it's like, ok now you can go to bed whenever you want & all you have to trade for it is the ability to ever feel joy again"

"I want to congratulate every couple that has gotten to the stage in their relationship where they just stare at each other in disgust."

"What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry hahaha fuck you all"

"Doctors don't usually get paid for circumcisions... But if they do, all they get are tips."

"Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies."

"Why am I against Donald Trump's wall idea? It will make fleeing to Mexico more difficult when he ruins our country."