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Joke of the Day

"[Couples counseling] ""It's not good to keep these things bottles up, you know"" Okay, fine *opens jar of wasps*"

"A guy walked into a bar. He was brought to the closest hospital quickly."

"What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt."

"""Waiter waiterthere's a hand in my soup."" ""That's not your soup sir that's your finger bowl."""

"There are so many uses for toilet paper rolls... but you have to go through a lot of shit to use them."

"Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature's most elusive and successful serial killers."

"Aww, you ""only wish the best for your exes?"" That's cool, I lie about things too."

"We have enough pictures of airplane wings now, people who travel. Thanks."

"Kidnapper: Pay up or I'll leak your nudes Me: So what? K: Then I'll tweet your drafts M: Ok don't do anything crazy we can work this out"

"I saw a sign today about lost cat Missing cat: Wanted dead and alive If found return to Schrodinger"