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Joke of the Day

"Time Machine I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore."

"We can put a robot on Mars but we can't make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator."

"I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen, I want to live on in my apartment."

"Troll your friends by texting them a fake blinking ellipsis (""..."") http://imgur.com/3RM8yC2"

"Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me."

"What do you call the slums in Paris? The baghetto"

"My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes"

"What should you do if you find a snake sleeping in your bed ? Sleep in the wardrobe !"

"Why didn't sine cross the road? Cosecant"

"4 stages of a relationship: 1) Hand in hand 2) That in hand 3) Hand in that 4) That in that"