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Joke of the Day

"Made a pact w/ my wife that if we're 40 & kids haven't stopped whining, we'll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can't find us"

"My friend asked me why I carry my gun inside my house I told him 'Decepticons.' He laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed. So I shot the toaster. It was a good day."

"The name of a cow trying to be a Knight... Sir Loin."

"Bless you, my son... What is the difference between a priest and acne? Acne waits for puberty before coming on his face."

"The human body is basically flavored water"

"Am I the only one who's concerned about the fact that we haven't heard SHIT from Wyoming in like nine years?"

"How to solve issues with life expectancy The doctor has given me four months to live. I shot the doctor, The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved"

"Wanna see a pig with three eyes [improved] a cop with a body camera."

"What do you call the corner of 69th and main? Your moms place of employment"

"Hey girl, are you an empty refrigerator? Because you don't have to be running"