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Joke of the Day

"Why do we keep putting criminals behind bars? putting criminals behind bars seems like a bad idea once you consider all the alcohol they're now next to"

"So there was a bomb threat at my school today... Tomorrow's gonna be a blast."

"Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat! Cat nurse, excitedly: I've got this."

"Me: Hello Teacher: Hello M: How's my kid doing in school? T: How's my kid doing in school? I hate parrot teacher conferences"

"""We like the idea, we do. We're just afraid it's going to keep the viewer awake."" - Sundance Channel execs"

"my Playstation got stolen... i have no one to console me."

"Why ""Trojan"" condoms? Didn't the Trojan horse burst open & thousands of little guys poured out? Less than stellar marketing."

"Clinton didn't faint due to heat exhaustion... ... she was just doing her steel beam impression."

"Everyone is panicking about the stock markets.... But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging."

"Shout out to the dude who's followed and unfollowed approximately 25632 times this week."