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Joke of the Day

"Me: hello, police? I think I'm living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body... Crap! She just came in. Cat: *meow*"

"I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y"

"*looks at watch* come on, I gotta get back to browsing the same four websites over and over"

"If I had a dollar for every person who found me unattractive... I'd buy the htc vive, because who the fuck cares if your ugly when you have VR."

"Why is it good for a mason to live in constant fear? That way he just shits bricks."

"Middle age is mostly getting super excited about different flavors of hummus."

"When I die I want written on my tombstone ""Finally Offline""."

"My bank says my password isn't strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?"

"Wow, I must look really hot tonight working out, everyone is totally staring at me. *walking on treadmill with a candy bar and a Pepsi"

"I don't believe it, but Google insists I am the first monkey at a typewriter to bang out the phrase, ""So thirsty I could blow a horse."""