161889

Joke of the Day

"All my tweets are based on true events that happened in my head."

"Two blondes at the movie:"" Pst, the guy next to me is masturbating!""says one ""just ignore him"" answers her friend. ""But I can't ! He's using my hand!""replies the first blonde"

"""Mom, I'm here to make your boobs big."" - smiling 3 yr old comes out of garage with a bike pump."

"A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian. ""Look in the lion's mouth"" the vet told him. ""How do I do that?"" he asked. ""Carefully"" replied the vet."

"Why do lawyers have so much anal sex? Because they are fucking assholes."

"Why did the tomato blush? Because it seen the Salad dressing ( I'll see myself out)"

"Whats a zombie's favorite drink? Egg noggin."

"Marvin Gaye's Last Day on Earth Marvin (holding present): Happy Birthday Dad!!! Dad: Marvin, if this is another tie, I'm gonna kill you."

"Kids so mixed... They won't show up in black and white pictures."

"I've started a new religion based on the consumption of high-percentage alcohol. Its only downside is that I now miss a lot of work due to hangovers It's called absinthe-theism."