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Joke of the Day

"Walking by the lingerie section Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway. Me: Uh huh."

"Why is mustard good to have in case of an emergency? It's always prepared."

"My girlfriend told me my dick was two inches bigger than her ex!! Then it dawned on me she used to be a lesbian :("

"Axl Rose: Where do we go? Me: Left Axl: Where do we go now? Me: Straight. Axl: Oh, where do we go now? Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!"

"It's called ""personal grooming"" as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger."

"Why did santa and Mrs. Claus go to marriage counseling? Santa only cums once a year."

"If comedy is tragedy plus time... The holocaust is the funniest thing ever."

"Kanye goes to law school just so he can yell THE DEFENSE WESTS YOUR HONOR and moonwalk out of the courtroom. The defendant is executed."

"What's worse than biting an apple and finding a worm? biting an apple and finding half a worm"

"WIFE: Stop spending all our money ME: Okay, fine [later] WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF? ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT"