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Joke of the Day

"How many millennials does it take to screw in a light bulb? 100. 1 to do it, and 99 to stand around saying the old one was better."

"Wouldn't it be great if twitter had a roped off VIP section where celebrities could keep their boring tweets to themselves?"

"What's the difference between a football player and a bank robber? The bank robber says: Give me the money or I will shoot! The football player says: Give me the money or I won't shoot."

"Wait just a minute! You're not Jennifer Aniston! Oh, you got me with that avi. Well played. I knew it was to good to be true."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep suffering from halucinations that I'm the brightest star in the night sky. Surely, you can't be Sirius."

"I once let a blind guy touch my face and he thought I was Philip Seymour Hoffman"

"According to my family tree I'm the sap."

"How does a Chinese family name their children? They throw 3-9 pots and pans down a flight of stairs."

"i'm happy when life hands me lemons. can't do shots of tequila with artichokes."

"Sexy subjunctives... ... give you would."