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Joke of the Day

"Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix. Tomorrow I'm making my dreams come true."

"Marriage is a three ring circus... ...first there is the engagement ring, then the wedding ring and then comes the suffering."

"Damn girl are you a kids movie from my generation because you're fun and cute but also horrifying in many ways I didn't originally realize."

"Michael, the kid with no hands What did Michael get for his birthday? Gloves ... Just kidding, he hasn't opened it yet Knock, knock Who is it? Not Michael"

"My neighbor and I are really close. We call each other things like bro, man, dude, boss... We don't know each other's name."

"What is the difference between being hungry and horny? What she means by ""eat out."""

"Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often"

"London is like the best era of Batman at the moment. Well-orchestrated mild commuter panic and Prince stalking the streets."

"You say ""bed."" I say ""horizontal worry pod of nocturnal overanalysis."" Let's not get caught up in semantics."

"*saves dandruff for 7 years to throw as confetti at friends wedding that i never really liked*"