160474

Joke of the Day

"*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree* Okay, now give that back to mommy and don't touch another one, okay?"

"Best response by a nursing home patient ever. I asked my patient, ""how ya feelin today""? He whispers while still half asleep, ""with my fingers."""

"Serving weak coffee should be a criminal offense."

"Monica Lewinsky just turned 43 It seems like only yesterday she was crawling on the floor of the White House"

"If life hands you lemons, you are anthropomorphizing. In some way, you've handed those lemons to yourself."

"Life is like a box of chocolates If your fat it doesn't last very long."

"Why don't gay necrophiles like to talk about their pasts? Too many skeletons in their closets."

"HP Lovecraft walks into a barn... ...A horse looks at him and says, ""Why the long face?"""

"""I could probz bench press, like, five of you""-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met"

"Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered six offender"