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Joke of the Day

"The Purge... My brother said he would be able to survive ""The Purge"" if it were real. I put a few laxatives in his coffee we'll see about that..."

"Once I got my art degree I didn't need to deliver to people anymore. Now they come to me, explaining what they want me to create. Then I ask them to pull up to the next window."

"Me: Where's your maternity section? Her: Over there. How far along is she? Me: Her? I'm shopping for my Thanksgiving pants. Her..."

"Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter."

"Why does Britain like tea so much? Because tea leaves."

"My friend and I have a pact that if we're not married by age 40, we're going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions"

"Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween I guess they don't like when random people come knocking on their door."

"Regarding the molestation jokes. A lot you guys may not know this, but molestation... Is a very touchy subject. I'm sorry. Did that joke rub you the wrong way?"

"This is just a quick shout-out to bread bowls, waffle cones and other edible containers. You guys are doing a great job."

"What's the difference between terrorists and tourists? Terrorists have sympathizers."