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Joke of the Day

"When I think of you, I touch myself. With my finger. In the back of my throat to help me vomit because you make me nauseous."

"In America, you're the bomb is a complement. In Iraq, you're the bomb is the argument."

"It's weird that my neighbors won't let me borrow their keys & make a copy of them in case I need to clean their house while they're asleep."

"""Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you've ever been in your life?"" - video games"

"What do the Hindenberg, the Titanic and Hillary Clinton have in common? Going down on any of them would be horrifying."

"If these grapes were drugs I'd be overdosing like a child star of the 80s."

"I once played chess with an Egyptian King... ...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh."

"Why are Christians so bad at Trigonometry ? They're afraid of sin"

"If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you."

"What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?"