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Joke of the Day

"What's it called when you a kill a sapling? Arbortion"

"Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers!"

"I was vacationing, and I got to talking to a North African in his native language... ... We just clicked"

"Multiple bathrooms are the glue that hold marriages together."

"*gives date flowers* Here. I murdered these plants for you."

"Texans can't comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken."

"Wife asked if I was going to take out the trash. Told her I didn't know her sister needed a ride home. I'm bleeding. Call 911"

"What idiot called it a rattlesnake's warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?"

"One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it's an entire rotisserie chicken."

"""I hate this quilt."" - my wife, a person capable of hating a quilt"