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Joke of the Day

"What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit."

"If i cut off my right butt cheek will i be left behind?"

"Whats a shitty nickname for a tree theif? The Log Pincher."

"[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids] I really want a Toblerone for some reason."

"I like my women how I like my wine... ten years old and in my basement."

"Here in Canada, we leave everything unlocked so that burglars don't risk getting glass in their hand when they punch through our windows."

"My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning."

"So I was on tindr today and someone offered me a $125/hr ""girlfriend experience"" So she expects me to pay her 125 an hour to argue with me in the middle of an Applebee's!?"

"So embarrassed... ...thought sombody cute was staring at me so i stared back. But then i realized we were both just the negative space around a vase"

"[100 year old man on job interview] ""Do you have any references?"" Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*"