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Joke of the Day

"How do you tell an astronaut where they're going? Straight up."

"I had dinner with Garry Kasparov last night... I had dinner with Garry Kasparov last night and there was a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt."

"I have a life besides Twitter. Like this one time that I take a walk into the woods but then realize there was no wifi & I began to panic."

"Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv? Me: Dad, that's Spongebob Squarepants Dad: Must've been in your sister's class"

"How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister's chin."

"Why do buddhist make bad vacuum salesman? They can't deal with attachments."

"Why can't T-Rex's High Five? Because they're all dead"

"What do you call a Latino woman with no legs? Consuelo^(cunts-way-low)."

"What did Ray Charles say when his wife told him she wanted a divorce? I did not see that coming."

"Relationships are a lot like algebra.. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?"