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Joke of the Day

"I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him."

"Treat your women like your smartphone; touch them a lot."

"It is true. Time flies when you are having fun. However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head."

"Tingly feeling You know that nice tingly feeling you get when you're falling for someone? That's common sense leaving your body."

"If I died and went directly to hell it would take me a month to realize I wasn't at work."

"ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business."

"Paraguay-Uraguay in the final would be so guay."

"it's so crazy to think that, before the internet, real celebrities had to tattoo the little blue checkmark on their faces"

"Some guy walked up to me today and said I'm racist I told him I'm not racist. In fact my best friend was a black child until my dad sold him"

"Cyclists who don't obey the rules of the road should have to wear their google search history on a t-shirt."