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Joke of the Day

"I named my penis Richard That's long for Dick Hey - at least it's not another Turkey joke."

"Hey guys, I just saved a bunch of money on my flood insurance by not having any."

"Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was a salted."

"After 3 months of Crest White Strips, my teeth are so white they bought me a gift card to Anthropologie & wont stop talking about Mad Men."

"I finally get why everyone on earth is so moody... This whole planet is bi-polar."

"I'm not the kind of girl to get mad and throw a drink in your face....that's wasteful. I'd drink it first and then glass you."

"It's easier to find the needle in the haystack when you bring a flamethrower. That's a fact, jack. Merica."

"Since Ghandi walked barefoot, and ate a diet giving him bad breath, he was... A super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis!"

"After clipping my toddler's fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster."

"Ever tried to watch your own feet while running? Don't do it. It's trippy."