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Joke of the Day

"If you replace phrase ""Americans think"" with ""Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think"" it all makes so much more sense."

"I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she'd let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?"

"What's the only buttons that work on a redditor's computer? Copy + paste..."

"Lazy thought by my girlfriend Her: ""Why is it Bees Knees, Why not Bees Nuts?"" (Deez nuts)"

"*Buys world map* *Pins map to wall* *Promises to visit wherever dart lands* *Throws dart at fridge*"

"A man walks into a bar with an apple on his head, and the bartender asks ""Why do you have a pear on your head?"" He replies, ""It's not a peach, it's a plum!"""

"Let go.. New perspective.. If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, . . . . nobody wanted them."

"*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty* ""You don't scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast"""

"I'm from the 80's. We ate cookies instead of deleting them."

"Why don't blind people skydive? cos it scares the shit out of their dogs."