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Joke of the Day

"What's brown and sticky? A stick..."

"I could be a stripper if guys want to see a girl get stuck trying to take off her turtleneck followed by an on-stage panic attack."

"I'm torn between having 'wish you were here' or 'look behind you' engraved on my headstone."

"ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands? VET: where exactly is your dog ME: he's uh coming later"

"Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?...No you hang up first! Hello? 911?"

"What's the difference between my GoPro and my girlfriend? I wouldn't spend hours looking for my girlfriend at a ski resort if I lost her on the mountain."

"[Me]: ""I have hat-like reflexes"" [You]: Don't you mean cat-like reflexes? [Me]: *sitting on top of your head* ""Nope"""

"What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? With a drum machine you only have to punch the instructions in once"

"I saw a Mexican fighting Jared Fogel I finally saw Alien vs Predator"

"What did the Arab land his 747? The tarmac, you racist."