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Joke of the Day

"[gets kidnapped] Hold up, I forgot my phone charger."

"An Englishman an Irishman & a Scotsman... An Englishman an Irishman & a Scotsman get into a cab. The driver turns around and says ""Sorry gents I'm Muslim, I can't take a joke."""

"i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick."

"How do you fit an elephant in the subway? (x-post) You take the 'S' out of sub, and the 'F' out of way."

"Where is a pirates favorite place to shop for toys? Toys arrrrrr Us."

"[first date questions] You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses...and she's gone Whatever she's probably vegan"

"Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won't throw them back because they've been told their whole life that they shouldn't."

"How did I get the balls to write such a grotesque joke? Gruesome."

"SERIOUS TWEET: help I just put on hand lotion and now I can't get out of this room"

"Me: *texts* How'd you sleep? Him: *texts* Horrible...I was tossing and turn- Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING."