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Joke of the Day

"Me: *texts* How'd you sleep? Him: *texts* Horrible...I was tossing and turn- Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING."

"Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider."

"Even if you're single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register."

"""Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption"" the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me."

"How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer? Ask them to pronounce the word, ""unionized""."

"What day is /r/Jokes favorite? Earth Day, it's all about recycling!"

"The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there's a mosquito in the room."

"I added Paul Walker on xbox the other day... Too bad he spends all his time on the dashboard. *Courtesy of my cousin*"

"God to now go through your old tweets before making final decision on heaven."

"Population Control: Make birth control a psychedelic. You're welcome."