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Joke of the Day

"My wife does a HILARIOUS John Goodman impression. Doesn't hurt that she looks exactly like him."

"If a cannibal kills me he better have the right kind of Zip-loc bags! If I get tossed out because of freezer burn I'm going to be pissed!"

"What has two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog"

"Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew that has to follow the Kardashian's 24/7."

"MOM: You give that back to him, mister ME: Ok mom MOM: and what do we say now? ME: *climbing off unicycle* sorry I tried to steal your girl"

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper."

"Did you hear the one about the invisible knife? I couldn't see the point!"

"Why did the electrician close early on Mondays? Because business was very light."

"""I'm better than you because I can fly and my body is a boat."" ~ Ducks"

"I bought shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with, but I 've been tripping all day!"