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Joke of the Day

"It feels like Obama's been on tour longer than The Rolling Stones."

"What's the difference between a beer and a down syndrome kid? If you end up with a badly poured beer you can blow it's head off."

"[first date] OK don't let her know you're a snail Waiter: Would you like some salt? [flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]"

"Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day."

"So, two yogurts walk into a bar The bar tender says ""hey, what do you think you're doing? We don't serve you here!"" And the Yogurts respond ""Why? We're two cultured individuals."""

"Believe me if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows!"

"What did the large furry mammal say when the salamander who kept asking for favors went too far? I can't bear it! You axolotl of me this time!"

"HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie? ME: i love love actually actually"

"Q: How does an octopus go to war? A: Armed."

"Spent the last twenty minutes trying to get my sideburns even and now I'm sporting a mohawk."