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Joke of the Day

"[Restaurant] Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]"

"If two vegetarians are arguing Is it considered a beef?"

"What's the difference between a cow and the crucifixion? You can't milk a cow for 2000 years"

"Why can't astronauts eat popsicles? In space, no one can hear the ice cream truck."

"How do genetically engineered car salesmen from Boston greet their customers? Hey, gattaca? GATTACA?"

"Why don't gangsters play quidditch? They always just kill the snitch."

"Sesame Street never allowed Mrs. Piggy to count to 100. Everytime she made it to 69, she got a frog in her throat."

"Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population #1. USA: 318.9 million #2. China: 1.357 billion #3. Japan: 173.3 million #4. Australia: 48 as of last census"

"Whenever I get out of an Uber I imagine cameras spinning around me and my shirt blowing up in slo-mo like I'm in a Michael Bay movie."

"This ones for those college students and there finals This is really just a good analogy. Finals are like plastic surgery, you go in with A's and you come out with D's!"