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Joke of the Day

"I got 45 pages into writing my autobiography before I realized I was just typing the lyrics to Smash Mouth's ""All Star"" over and over again."

"welcome to hipster church. this is my body *bites vegan cookie* this is my blood *sips garage-brewed IPA*"

"The awkwardness of my life is equivalent to when somebody says ""Happy Birthday"" and you say ""Thanks you too!"""

"What is the difference between animal abuse and animal cruelty? . . . The size of your dick."

"Hey guys. What's the most reassuring thing about the Riot Police presence in Hong Kong right now? *Their guns are probably made in China.* yuk yuk yuk"

"People in glass houses, shouldn't throw stones... They should use them to build proper houses."

"My girlfriend is like an 07 Nappa Valley Pinot Noir Full-bodied and matured, pairs well with meat, and has a smooth, aromatic aftertaste"

"Where do sperm go to die when you jack off? The sementary."

"Protip: If you're walking in your office taking deep breaths because someone made popcorn, don't forget to stop as you enter the restroom."

"What's the last thing you want to hear while using a urinal? ""nice watch"""