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Joke of the Day

"my friend told me on first dates i should just ""be myself"" and ""be confident"" and i was like ""ok but which one?"""

"I don't have a swimmer's body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics"

"How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman? None"

"What's the best was to piss off an archaeologist ? Hand him a used tampon and ask him which period it's from."

"You know what's funny? An unexpected shift in context."

"What do you call a condensed version of the history of ISIS? CaliphNotes!"

"My friend tells me she's sitting on the board of the local chapter of Rotory Club. I just hope they have good cushions.."

"Hillary Clinton isn't a female. She's just an F she deleted the emale."

"WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same"

"I saw a sign that said ""Watch for children""... ... and I thought, ""That sounds like a fair exchange"""