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Joke of the Day

"What did the pavement smoother say after he lost his hands? ""I literally can't even."""

"Q: Why did Bobby Fischer marry a woman from Prague? A: He was looking for a Czech mate."

"I'm not very good with pets. I had a pet rock once, but it ran away."

"Two fish in a tank. One says to the other.... ""You know how to drive this thing?"""

"Dyslexic Zombie What does a dyslexic zombie eat? Brians"

"America is finally getting around to banning some dangerous weapons after the latest mass shooting Its a shame nobody was killed by a flag"

"I'm not a narcissist. Narcissists spend their time looking at themselves in the mirror. I don't need to do that to know I look fabulous."

"[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It's okay, just go on without me"

"Hi, I'm here to see the doctor. -me Witch doctor? -reception Nooo...I think he's Jewish. -me [blank stare] Please sit down."

"Two gay men go into a bar. One says to the other, ""Can I push in your stool?"" Not sure if its a repost. My coworker just told me this."