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Joke of the Day

"As a mark of respect to Prince... The local pub is putting on a wake tomorrow night. All you can eat and drink for under 20 quid. I for one intend to party like it's 19.99."

"Did you hear it's 'National Pretzel Day' in America today? Just making sure everyone knows it's knot bread... (thankyou Simpsons)"

"Just had an interview with a girl with a lazy eye. So I just had an interview with a girl with a lazy eye....didn't know what eye to look at.....so I just stared at her tits."

"Bras come in sizes = AA, A, B, C, D, DD, E, OMG, WTF."

"Who was the chicken's favorite musician? BAAAACH BACH BACH BACH"

"Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown* Me: Sweetie, you need to share Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35"

"Two boys were eating a snack lunch in the school yard. One had an apple and the other said ""Watch out for worms won't you!"" The first one replied ""Why should I? They can watch out for themselves."""

"What do you call a pile of cats? A MEOWntain! Thank you."

"Why do you call these girls broads? Cause I don't wanna be specific"

"My girlfriend caught me masturbating to porn on my phone... She looked at me seductively and asked if she could help. I said sure, could you hold my phone?"